mind in print

Here is a short version of a long story:

This summer I was very far from the Spirit.  Very far.  I hated Him.

I perceived Him as a narcissistic entity that enjoyed sending people to hell and smirked as we suffered through the pain that He dished out to us.  My heart was as hard as a rock.  I was convinced of the existence of Him, but I hated what I saw to be His characteristics.  I thought that worshipping this Being that was responsible for inflicting so much pain on humanity was the dumbest thing I had ever heard.  Really?  God is good and God could have stopped that tsunami/genocide/cancer/earthquake that killed thousands and thousands of people?  I didn’t get it (and I still don’t).

I became cynical and bitter.  I was joyless and lonely.

Then He took my heart of stone and shattered it into a million pieces.

Recently I was reading  The Pugilist at Rest by Thom Jones.  It is a collection of short stories.  In one of these short stories, a character is describing the faith of another character.  He talks about how the other character describes his faith like this:

“My head doesn’t get it but my heart bleeds for Jesus.”

I think that is what I have realized over the past semester.  The Spirit hasn’t given me all of the answers to my questions and doubts, but He has shown me what it is like to have my heart softened and nurtured by Him.  When He is breathing peace into my lungs and I allow Him to hug my neck and hold me in His arms and sway with me as I want so badly to run away, I know that He is good.

I can tell you with full sincerity and truth that I have experienced first hand what life is like far from Christ and what life is like close to Him, and being close to Him is infinitely better.

I can’t tell you why shit happens under the watchful eye of a loving God.  I can’t.  But I am convinced of the goodness of God.  Sometimes I don’t even know why.  I just know that He is good.  I know that He loves us.  I know that He weeps when people die and when people are hurting.  I just know that He does.

Do I still doubt?  Of course I do.  I still get frustrated with the idea of hell and I want so badly to rationally understand everything that He is.

But my soul finds comfort and rest in His refuge and it finds emptiness and loneliness in my own logic.

What changed from this summer until now?  I stopped trying to get it with my head and started understanding with my heart.

As I close this post, I want to write a prayer from St. Francis of Assisi (from the original French version):

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.

Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l’amour.

Là où il y a l’offense, que je mette le pardon.

Là où il y a la discorde, que je mette l’union.

Là où il y a l’erreur, que je mette la vérité.

Là où il y a le doute, que je mette la foi.

Là où il y a le désespoir, que je mette l’espérance.

Là où il y a les ténèbres, que je mette votre lumière.

Là où il y a la tristesse, que je mette la joie.

Translated, it is this:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 17th, 2009 at 5:19 pm and is filed under Quick Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.