Re: ‘On Doubt’ by Mackenzie Ervin
My good friend Mackenzie Ervin contributed this piece in response to ‘On Doubt.’ I’m very grateful for her thoughts, and I know you will be too.
Blake wrote about doubt the other week, a doubt that I have become extremely familiar with in the past month. I have tasted cynicism and wrestled with faithlessness; I have ignored God’s gift of hope and love and comfort in times of loneliness and despair and bewilderment.
Throughout last semester, I struggled with weakness. Architecture studio overwhelmed me. I eventually got to the point where I had to lean on God just to wake up in the morning. But in my weakness, I found the strength of God. Despite how downtrodden I became in my stress, I still saw the joys of the Lord resonating all around me—that is, until the semester ended and I was able to stop and catch my breath. That was when I began to turn away from God.
No longer needing Him to carry me through the days of studio, I felt like I could manage just fine on my own. What a fool I was to think so! I’ve grown so far from my Savior that I am more miserable this winter break than I was all last semester. The more I look to the world to satisfy, the more empty and forsaken I feel. I have become a cynic, bewildered and unsure of anything.
Still, I remember days in the presence of God, filled with hope and companionship. I remember the fulfillment that I had always felt with God’s love in my heart.
I am torn between the pleasures of this world and the perfect peace of God. My soul knows only God fulfills, and my soul pants only for Him. Yet, my foolish, sinful desires argue contrarily. They try to convince me that the world will satisfy, if only I look harder for that satisfaction, if only I stray farther from God.
In juxtaposing the two different ways of living (with and without God), I can assuredly say that life with Christ is much more satisfying. While the things of this world never seem to complete me, I feel whole with God in my heart and His Word on my mind. I find reason for living beyond my selfish ambition.
Praise God that He is faithful even when we are not—He pursues us even when we run far from Him. Already God is using friends like Blake to bring me back into His presence and remind me of His fulfillment. Before composing these thoughts, I was almost sure I was done with God; only while dwelling on the differences between life with and without a Savior did I realize how wrong I have been.
All this to say, “Let us rejoice in our tribulations, for tribulation brings perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope.” ( Romans 5 )
And, “Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? […] But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.” ( Romans 8 )
-Mackenzie Ervin